#6 - Unexpected Meeting

Unexpected Meeting

Today, I woke up and attended my volunteering session at my local charity shop, like normal. The work was smooth and successful, and I had a positive day completing the tasks that I had been set out to do (using the tills, interacting with customers, etc.) After I had finished my session and left the shop, I decided to buy some fruit at a local shop that I enjoy going to because it's easy and convenient. As soon as I entered the shop and scanned my surroundings, as someone with anxiety always does to allow themselves to ground themselves easier, I realised the person standing in front of me was my old girlfriend who I hadn't seen in years.

I want to preface the start of this paragraph by making it clear that I hate over-reacting and expressing something to be more dramatic than it really is. However, in this scenario, I really was very taken aback and left overwhelmed when I saw her standing in front of me buying something. Even writing this now, on reflection, I cringe at myself, because I realise just how childish I still am in the way I reacted to this scenario. The fact that even seeing her still makes me react in this way, I acknowledge that I am still quite immature, and I have a long way to go in relation to girls, relationships, etc. I haven't seen her in years, yet it's not as if I have completely forgotten about her existence. While I'm able to go about my life and do my day-to-day activities with no stress, it isn't uncommon for her to pop up in my thoughts every so often, especially if I happen to have a dream about her. This happens quite rarely, but when it does, it reminds me that I still haven't completely moved on from her even after so long. So, when I saw her in this shop in this moment, I was left completely unsure with what to do with myself. Should I instantly leave the shop even though I want the fruit for my lunch? Should I approach her and act natural and friendly? Do I act like a stranger and pretend I don't know her? Will she mock me with her new guy-friend who's with her? Or pretend she doesn't know me at all? Or maybe she'll surprise me and act friendly and welcoming? What if I act stupid and embarrass myself in retaliation? What if I say something stupid? All of these thoughts were racing in my head, complicating everything, overwhelming everything, not being able to straighten out the messy implications in my head and resultingly stressing myself out in the space of seconds. I decided on staying in the shop and acting as a stranger because I honestly just did not have the energy to pretend to be buddy-buddy with someone who I had a lot of emotional ties to, as well as trying to pretend to be someone I'm not. Thankfully, (I think) she never saw me, although I did have to speak to the employee to buy my fruit, so the odds of her hearing my voice were probably high since we were quite close at that point. I tried to act as calm, casual and natural as I could while ordering, and I think I did a good job. After purchasing my fruit, I left the shop without saying a single word to my her, but only the Gods know if she actually recognised me. I know for a fact that I recognised her instantly. 

For 5-10 minutes after the interaction-that-wasn't-even-an-interaction, I really struggled to calm myself down. It was as if I had just subjected myself to a traumatic ordeal, or I had faced a great threat; my breathing was unstable, the adrenaline was still rushing through my body, my heart was racing, I quite simply could not stop shaking. I felt frustrated that I had reacted in such a way to just seeing another human being. Am I really so pathetic that I can't even compose myself around my old girlfriend? She has clearly moved on from me, so why can't I do or act the same way? I'm living life at my own pace, and while I'm completely happy and fine with that, I do wish I had a bit more mental and emotional fortitude. I get upset too easily, and overwhelmed too fast.

Thank you very much for reading, I hope you enjoyed it, until next time.

Connor Lunnon 27/07/2022