Connor's Blog of Ramblings

Below is a copy and paste from what I sent to Samaritans. I just figured it was worth putting here too.   Hi, My name is Connor, I'm 22 years old, and I thought unloading/venting some thoughts here might help. I want to preface that I'm doing this completely freestyle so I don't really know where this is going to go and it might be a big mess, so I'm sorry in advance. I'm also sorry for the fact that I'm probably going to write a LOT here. There are no hard feelings if you don't want to continue after seeing the absolute wall of text below. The main reason why I'm emailing you guys is that I feel like I don't have anyone either in person or online to talk to about my problems. I live a very private, slow-paced life, so I dont have many friends or people I'm close to. I have great parents, but they've been separated for years now so I only see my dad on the weekends. My mum has constantly reiterated to me that if there are any problems in my l

 When I pictured myself eventually getting a job, I imagined it being freeing and exciting. I envisioned myself having much more freedom, more confidence and self-belief, and overall just feeling like I could finally live my life in the way I have always wanted to live it. I thought that by finally gaining some independence over my life and earning my own money, things would begin to look more positive, and I would be able to break out of this feeling of being shackled by the mental weights inside of my head. I constantly waited for the day I would get paid employment, thinking that that would be the first day of my life where I could finally live my life with pure freedom. The reality is that, after working in paid employment for 4 months now, it feels like nothing has really changed. I feel even more shackled and anxious now because I have more responsibilities and commitments. I have even more stuff to remember, so I'm constantly juggling numerous different thoughts in my head,