#7 - Reality isn't how I imagined it going in my head

 When I pictured myself eventually getting a job, I imagined it being freeing and exciting. I envisioned myself having much more freedom, more confidence and self-belief, and overall just feeling like I could finally live my life in the way I have always wanted to live it. I thought that by finally gaining some independence over my life and earning my own money, things would begin to look more positive, and I would be able to break out of this feeling of being shackled by the mental weights inside of my head. I constantly waited for the day I would get paid employment, thinking that that would be the first day of my life where I could finally live my life with pure freedom.

The reality is that, after working in paid employment for 4 months now, it feels like nothing has really changed. I feel even more shackled and anxious now because I have more responsibilities and commitments. I have even more stuff to remember, so I'm constantly juggling numerous different thoughts in my head, whether it's stuff from work, or worrying about the future, or simply about my hobbies, and as a result I'm unable to 'turn off', no matter the time of the day. Regarding my work, I'm constantly worried that the work I'm doing isn't actually good at all, and that I'm being silently judged in the background. I keep thinking, 'am I really doing this right? Am I doing it obnoxiously slow, are my methods all wrong? If I were replaced today, would my presence be still missed in a few days or weeks time?' The nature of the work environment is very hectic and always moving, so I don't have a moment to stop. Most of the time, I like to embrace this, as it's good to be engaged and focused; however when my body and my head are both processing as fast as I can allow it, it's impossible for me to slow down and take a moment to consider how I'm actually doing. This is resulting in me always feeling uncertain of myself and my abilities, which in-turn is keeping my self-confidence and general mood down as I'm constantly uneasy of myself and the things around me. It also physically exhausts me; even after just one four-hour session, I'm genuinely so tired I cant work any more, which kind of frustrates me because when I look at all of my colleagues around me, they're all doing 8-and-a-half hour days for 5 days a week, which is so much more than me. I'm so exhausted and yet I'm only working for 4 hours. I just don't get it. I feel irritated because a part of me feels like I don't even have a right to be tired. It's only 4 hours out of 1 day, how do you get tired from that compared to what my colleagues are working? All in all, this is a large part of what is causing my mental fatigue and stress, because I just feel like I'm constantly in a state of limbo, in a position that I can never grow from, nor will I ever be able to do more. I am already jugging all I can juggle, yet the world will always, eventually, demand more of me. They will expect me to juggle one more ball even though I'm barely managing to juggle what I currently possess.

Every time there is a new message in the work group chat on WhatsApp, I get an extreme shot of anxiety go through my body out of the fear that there might be a sudden change to my schedule; of course, I could just message my bosses and talk to them about it regarding this, but it's needing to have this interaction in the first place that still feels so terrifying to engage with. I'm really quite bad at engaging first and involving myself with the group chat; even though I am 'part' of the team, I still feel like an outsider. In addition to this, while I'm afraid that I'm outcasting myself and leaving myself vulnerable to changes that drill fear into me at my core, I'm still too afraid to even acknowledge it to potentially change it in the first place. I still feel really powerless about a lot of things in my life, and the idea that I would be more independent and confident has kind of been swept under me. 

I feel kind of cheated, and disappointed with the reality of my situation. I really thought that once I got a job, I would be 'free' from the core issues of my mental health and my real life situation. I thought that I'd finally begin to live my life and that I would be happy and independent. Instead all I feel is even more anxiety, more stress, and more doubts about my life. I only work for 1 day a week, for 4 hours on a Wednesday, and I am only barely managing to balance this. How will I ever manage to sustain working regular hours like a normal person does? How will I ever manage to be independent enough to do this 5 days a week for 8 hours? It doesn't feel even the slightest bit manageable or approachable despite the fact that I really am trying my hardest. Just even being able to say that I have a genuine job is a miracle in and of itself, because the Bakehouse were very willing to accommodate for me and the fact that I have a lot of anxiety and worries. I know that I've gotten very lucky with the Bakehouse, but I still feel this worry and stress, so I just don't know what to do. In my head, I thought that once I got a job, I would just go and do my time, make some money, and live my life, but reality has made it so much more complicated than I was hoping for.