Connor's Blog of Ramblings

Bystander Looking at an overview of my life, I really don't feel like I belong anywhere nowadays. In the back of my mind, this has always been a constant variable, reminding me that the feeling exists every now and then . However, throughout most of my life, I had enough of a distraction to allow myself to ignore this variable, as I had a consistent day-to-day schedule with school, and therefore had no time to really sit down and dwell over such thoughts. But now, as someone who suddenly has a lot of free time to acknowledge my own thoughts and feelings, it's really just clicked that I genuinely don't belong anywhere. It feels like I'm a bystander, watching everyone else live their lives, with no one looking my way. I'm merely watching from the sidelines, while everyone else manages to deal with the task of "living" so easily, whilst I, on the other hand, struggle with even the most basic day-to-day activities. With this being said, I have always believed ...

Anxiety I've dealt with anxiety most of my life. The earliest memory I can recall is having to remember my line in the Year 3 end-of-year play (age 7-8 equiv.), and I still remember my line to this day. I assume it's because, at the time, I was so nervous and anxious that I drilled the line so hard into my head, in order to remember it, that now I just can't forget it, even after so many years. Back then, I obviously didn't know/wouldn't have labelled it as "anxiety" as I was just a young kid, but the feeling I had back then is the same I've carried with me throughout my years, which is a feeling of genuine fear and entrapment that engulfs and overwhelms me, both mentally and physically, when I'm forced into scenarios in which I don't want to be a part of, or if I had a choice, I would simply choose not to be there (such as having to play a character in a school play against my will.) Like I said, back then it was just labelled as a general lac...

Introduction So, this is my first blogpost. To be honest, I'm going to just go with the flow and write about whatever I want at times that are best for me. I'm not sure how I should best format this, or how long I will continue, or what I should even write about. However, for now, I'll just go with the flow, and hopefully have fun with it. :)  Berserk (contains spoilers) I've been wanting to write about Berserk for the longest time ever since I finished reading the manga in April, but I didn't have a platform to express my thoughts until now. Berserk is, without a doubt, the best thing I've ever read, and will likely continue to be for some time.  I initially introduced myself to the world of Berserk by watching the 1997 anime adaption, and didn't think too much of it at first. In turn, I actually really struggled to get into the first few chapters of the manga. It took me around four to five attempts to really get going, since the initial contents contain s...