#2 - Anxiety

Anxiety

I've dealt with anxiety most of my life. The earliest memory I can recall is having to remember my line in the Year 3 end-of-year play (age 7-8 equiv.), and I still remember my line to this day. I assume it's because, at the time, I was so nervous and anxious that I drilled the line so hard into my head, in order to remember it, that now I just can't forget it, even after so many years. Back then, I obviously didn't know/wouldn't have labelled it as "anxiety" as I was just a young kid, but the feeling I had back then is the same I've carried with me throughout my years, which is a feeling of genuine fear and entrapment that engulfs and overwhelms me, both mentally and physically, when I'm forced into scenarios in which I don't want to be a part of, or if I had a choice, I would simply choose not to be there (such as having to play a character in a school play against my will.) Like I said, back then it was just labelled as a general lack of confidence and having shy characteristics, so no one really thought anything of it, as my personality matched these labels, and, just like a puzzle, the pieces added up perfectly. 

This same cycle occurred throughout primary and secondary school, where I was often put into scenarios against my will, e.g. performing and speaking in front of a class, presenting myself in certain ways, etc. as a means to "grow our confidence" along with other assumptions like that. Every time I was put into these scenarios, they would make me feel physically sick with overworrying. The general feelings I had consisted of having my heartrate skyrocket and being unable to control my breathing or heart rate, as well as feeling nauseous, trapped, the list goes on. Thankfully, in primary and secondary school, I had a great bunch of friends and I hold (almost) nothing but fond memories of my time there, and so they really helped me focus on the positives rather than the negatives. Even though they didn't completely get rid of the anxiety being drilled through my body on a daily basis, they helped to soften the blow by acting like my normal friends and not thinking any less of me, helping me to "blend in" during times where I felt like I wasn't myself at all. 

I recall one memory, during my Year 11 (my final year) of secondary school, I decided to go directly against my usual code of conduct towards life and signed up for multiple things for the school Sports Day. The annual Sports Day has always been the worst day of the school calendar year for me, and I hated absolutely everything to do with it. I very clearly remember that the second it would be brought up in class, or in the group assembly, in order to prepare for it a few weeks in advance, I would be hit with that same wave of fear and entrapment, simply over the thought of even having to take part in it. That's how small it can be for me; it doesn't even have to be the fear of doing it, it's the fear of THINKING that I have to do it that tips me over the edge. It's not that I'm lazy or I "just don't feel like pushing myself." It's much more than that. It's the fear of people looking down on me, the fear of being in a scenario that I have no control over, the fear that something may go wrong, or I make an embarrassment of myself, the feeling of genuine fear that my mind can't process nor keep up with what is required of my mind and body in order to keep up with the hectic pace that has been set in my environment. I would have much preferred just peacefully staying in my slow lane, but on days like Sports Day, the environment around me forces me unwillingly to change into the fast lane where I have no choice but to run as fast as I can, even though I wish for nothing more than being able to live life in the comforable way of walking peacefully and comfortably. Getting back to the original point I was making, during my final year, I decided to push past my stubbornness and sign up for multiple events. I would usually just apply for the sport that is by the side-lines, a role no one would care to look at such as the long jump. But in spite of this, the long jump would still give me many panic attacks leading up to and doing it purely because of the fact that I have to do it. I signed up for the 400m, 100m, 4x100m relay, and the 1500m. I remember, on this day, before doing my very first event, I was hit with the worst panic attack of my life. It felt like I was getting beaten up over and over again. I was unable to control my breathing nor my heart rate, and I couldn't focus on anything except the fear enveloping me. I couldn't talk to my friends around me, I couldn't enjoy the sun and the summer scenes surrounding me; all I could think about in that specific moment was to try to not be sick, to fight against the desire to run away, to try my damn hardest not to stand out or look like I'm a weird kid having a panic attack around all these students, and so on. It was an extremely painful and mentally draining day, but I managed to push through it. A lot of my gratitude has to go to one specific teacher, whose name I sadly can't remember anymore, and one specific friend, named Michael, as they both helped me into believing that I could do it, and that I could overcome my anxiety even just for a day. When you're stuck in that tunnel vision of fear and anxiety, it takes you away from the moment. You're so focused on trying to remain calm and collected that it ends up taking all of your willpower to do so, resulting in everything around you being isolated from your reality in order to accommodate for trying to calm yourself down. So, long story short, I took part in all of my events, and I'm still very proud that I did. It felt like I ended my school year on a very good note, that I was actually able to do something special and noteworthy even as a very ordinary person. I don't remember what positions I actually got in these races, the only finish I remember getting was third in the 100m race, which was always considered the "biggest event" of the Sports Day due to it being held right in front of the bank where all of the students and teachers sit, as well as the common knowledge that the Year 11 races were always the "most hyped" and "most exciting", as it is the final event of the day that all the events ultimately lead up to in preparation. I'm not too sure why I'm even writing about this, I guess this was just one of the rare times in my life where I managed to actually overcome my anxiety and rise above it. It felt amazing, and I was so relieved when the day came to an end. Even though no one actually addressed me or saw me as anything more or less after that day, it was definitely a personal achievement. 

One thing I took away from this experience is that I believe in my own abilities a lot more if I have the strong foundation of my friends around me. I also came to the conclusion that, despite the positives I took from this day, I don't want to experience that feeling of extreme anxiety ever again.[although, at the time of writing this [20/5/22], I unfortunately have, many times.] The reasoning behind this is because, on that day, my anxiety overwhelmed me and controlled me. It made me feel absolutely horrible, and as a result, it took me away from being able to live in the present moment, which is something I truly wish to be able to learn as I continue to live. My anxiety forces me to deal with breaking down instead, and as a result, prevents me from being able to do anything else while I'm stuck in that zone. I feel like, in moderation, having anxiety isn't actually bad as long as I PERSONALLY want to push through it, such as overcoming my fears and participating in the annual Sports Day event for my own personal gain. Despite feeling absolutely sick to my stomach, and being met with such bad anxiety that I never want to meet again, I felt proud of overcoming my own personal barriers to make myself proud. 

However, the icebreaker in this scenario would be if I was having an anxiety attack before doing something that I DON'T even want to do beforehand, such as speaking in front of the class, or applying for jobs that I don't feel like I ready to do. This has always been a vicious cycle for me because it involves me having panic attacks and feeling sick to my stomach before doing something that I DONT EVEN WANT TO DO. Being in scenarios where I'm not in control, and/or I'm being coerced into doing things against my will is extremely hard for me to deal with because I overcomplicate the scenario and I always assume the worst could happen. I'm happy to go through these difficulties and hardships as long as something good comes out on the other side, such as personal growth and development; but generally speaking, of my experience throughout school and college, struggling with anxiety has mostly always been a negative cycle that has left me feeling drained, negative, and empty. This ties into why I am still struggling so much to this day, even so many years later. My anxiety got even worse when I left Secondary school and went to college, as well as after leaving college, which I will continue on below.

When I joined college, it was a very big jump up for me, and I suddenly went from being spoon-fed everything in life to having to figure out what I want to do next for myself. It involved having to choose something to study, choosing a college that I could realistically get to every day, and paving out a path for myself that had reasoning and logic. Because of all these reasons, I decided to go to an IT college, because IT was something I had ties to, remotely enjoyed it, and that there were honestly no other options available. On the surface, I was actually very excited about this new beginning, because I was looking forward to studying IT and having a new environment (which typically goes against what I stand for, but at this time in my life, I was generally happy with passing GCSEs and having a 2-month summer break.) However, my anxiety really gave me some hardships during my change in environments. On my first day to college, and practically every morning commute that followed thereafter, I developed a mental block where I would give myself intense panic attacks and physical stomach pains when walking to the train station station and buying my ticket for the train, as well as being on the train, walking to college, and then attending my classes. It would generally be a cycle of trying to remain calm while getting to the train station, trying, and failing, to calmly buy my ticket and have a smooth train ride despite how busy it was during peak hours, and then getting to college, at which point my overall anxiety would be interchangeable from day-to-day. Some days, I would get to college and my nerves and anxiety would calm down as I tell myself "I made it, you can relax now." And like I said, this did work some of the time. However, other times, my anxiety still wouldn't let up, and so I would remain trapped in this extremely anxious and jumpy state for the entire day while attending my lessons. This anxious state generally consisted of constantly feeling on-edge, like people were watching me, and feeling like no matter what I do, it was never enough to calm myself. I constantly told myself , "I wish I could just act normal," and it got to the point where I wasn't even sure what normal meant anymore as I was dealing with my own internal battles constantly on a daily basis. I was trying to cope and reason with my inner anxiety so much that, once I got to the end of my IT course, part of my day-to-day college life involved literally dealing with a daily panic attack and panic attacks throughout the day. Numerous things would flare up these motives for attacks, such as having to do presentations in front of the class, the class suddenly having a seating rearrangement, our plans for the day suddenly being readjusted with no prior warning, and so on. I honestly didn't like these "surprise changes" AT ALL. They put me through extreme stress since, for me, my comfort in college was being in the class that I knew and sitting around the friends that I knew. When they took that away from me, and when I was pushed into a situation that I had no control over, it overwhelmed me with unanswered questions and riddling anxiety. I knew that, realistically, I had nothing to worry about, as these changes didn't directly affect just me, but the entire class. And yet, even so, that feeling of an unwavering anxiety just never escapes me. I eventually learned to just try and cope with it, although it acts more like putting duct tape over a crack; yeah, you can temporarily fix it, but the crack is still there. This cycle remained with me throughout my entire college year, and over time, I slowly managed to learn methods of calming myself down, although it was never really dealt with perfectly in a way that actually calmed the storm raging inside of me. One of the two main friends I spent time with at college told me that, according to her, from the time we had spent together at college, I always looked confident and proud of myself. This opinion of hers honestly surprised me a lot, because I knew in myself that I always just put up a front, or a "mask", and thus tried my best to hide the waves of anxiety and panic attacks that would hit me on a daily basis. It is slightly bittersweet that I feel as if I have to hide it in the first place, but it does reassures me to know that over time I've learned how to hide my real self when I'm feeling that wave of anxiety build inside of me. I've had no choice but to deal with this throughout a large chunk of my life, so if I'm now able to present myself as though nothing appears wrong on the surface, then my hope is that I will continue to just blend in with the crowd, and, just like my friend said, appear on the surface to be someone who looks confident and proud of themselves. If I can do that, then despite that perception of me on the surface is nothing but a fake mask, I believe it's a lot better than coming across as someone who is riddled with anxiety. 

For now, I'll end this blogpost here. It was a real long one, so if, for some reason, you're actually reading this, thank you for doing so. I do want to stress that anxiety isn't a constant thing, it changes a lot, and so what, even though I write here is very true and accurate, it is slightly outdated and I may end up writing a more up-to-date version writing about my struggles with being unable to integrate myself into modern-day society and feeling like an outcast. We'll see though, that one would be very hard to try and put into words.

Well, thanks for reading! Until next time.

Connor Lunnon 20/05/2022