#3 - Bystander

Bystander

Looking at an overview of my life, I really don't feel like I belong anywhere nowadays. In the back of my mind, this has always been a constant variable, reminding me that the feeling exists every now and then. However, throughout most of my life, I had enough of a distraction to allow myself to ignore this variable, as I had a consistent day-to-day schedule with school, and therefore had no time to really sit down and dwell over such thoughts. But now, as someone who suddenly has a lot of free time to acknowledge my own thoughts and feelings, it's really just clicked that I genuinely don't belong anywhere. It feels like I'm a bystander, watching everyone else live their lives, with no one looking my way. I'm merely watching from the sidelines, while everyone else manages to deal with the task of "living" so easily, whilst I, on the other hand, struggle with even the most basic day-to-day activities. With this being said, I have always believed that even if things in my life were tough, and if I felt like I didn't belong in the real world, then I could always revert back to my shell of the online world, where I do belong. It harbors a place where people value my presence, and being online allows me to feel like my presence is "needed" by others. I feel like I need them, and they feel like they need me. Sure, it would be nice to feel this in the real world and not just in front of a computer screen, but for now, I believe that something, no matter how small, is always better than nothing. I have always strived for that desire to feel "needed" in some way, because, to put it simply, every human needs to feel wanted, to be yearned for in some way. In order to truly be happy and feel like you belong in the world, you need to feel like people can truly see you, and need you as you are, while not being untrue to yourself and who you are. Therefore, for me, I have always tried to fill that gap of "need" and "desire" through online hobbies, such as playing games and expanding my gaming circle to meet more people. To me, it felt like as long as I had people to game with, and had people that enjoyed gaming with me, that was the place where I belonged, and that was all that mattered. However, reflecting over the last few years, I still feel like there was a sense that I didn't truly belong. It felt like what I was trying to achieve in my online communities was something that would never last forever; like a spark that was always inevitably going to die out. Now that the spark has died out, I have lost that feeling of feeling needed and wanted; something that I had in an online presence, but never in a real life presence. While I am trying my best to find my presence in the real world, it's a lot harder due to my mental barriers. I had my place in the Mario Kart community, but that place doesn't exist anymore, so I have no choice but to try and find my new place elsewhere. And it's a lot harder than I thought. 

I have always tried my best to express my humor and personality as a means of trying to better impose my presence to those around me, both online and in person. I have tried to present myself in such a way that people eventually valued my presence, and so that people would feel the need to really want me there, as opposed to otherwise feeling indifferent towards whether my presence was there or not in the first place. What is really boils down to is that I just want to feel needed and valued. Even nowadays, with my own family, I don't truly feel like I "belong." I'm only there as a formality, as part of the family, and as such I have to play the part. Aside from that, I have no reason to be there, and it would hardly make a difference whether I was there or not. All the combined time I have spent in the presence of family, resulting in trying so hard unsuccessfully to fit in because my world and their world simply doesn't mix, it's frustrating. We're on different wavelengths, and the time that we spend together often feels unnatural and forced. Conversations don't flow naturally, and I struggle with knowing what to say. When they ask me what I've been up to, or what I'm doing with my life and whether I have a job now, I never know what to say. I acknowledge that they are asking these conversations with positive intentions; after all, they are just trying to find out what I've been up to since the last time we saw each-other. The problem lies in that the things I have been up to aren't the things they want to hear, almost like there is a default answer they want from me, and I can't give them that default answer, such as "yeah I got a job!" or "yeah, I'm at college!" From their perspective, the real answer I give them would be no different to them picturing me staring in front of a computer screen for 12 hours, doing nothing, even though from my perspective, there is a lot more to it than that; with the "more" being things I'm unable to convey because I struggle to express myself with what I really want to say. As a result, I have no choice but to come up with a white lie to satisfy their question and allow myself to get out of an uncomfortable interaction. It's very, very frustrating to me. I don't want to lie to my own family, but they put me in scenarios where I have no other choice. The only other choice is to reveal the true answer, which would be "well, for the last two years, I've done absolutely nothing you want to hear about, and I still feel like I'm going nowhere in life. Also, I'm riddled with anxiety, I'm depressed, and I'm constantly unhappy." But, it's not like I can tell them this, can I? I struggle to truly express how I feel when in a face-to-face interaction, and when you meet up with relatives of family every so often, it's mostly just a facade; a few hours to spend with the ones you love before you all go back to living your own lives. I'm happy to do this, and I genuinely do enjoy being in their presence, but when I'm forced into a situation where I'm cornered and feeling uncomfortable, it results in this outcome full of overthinking. All I feel at family gatherings nowadays is that I'm the family disappointment. I'm the odd one out, a mere bystander. I don't even belong within my own family anymore. 

In terms of society as a whole, I don't want to go all Joker with this, but the same constant narrative of feeling out of place still lingers. In fact, even more so. I have always had extreme social anxiety, and, as a result, I have found it to be very mentally and physically draining when going out in social environments. Despite the fact that I'm proud of myself for pushing my limits and going out there and making a name for myself, it still ends up being frustrating for me when I realise on reflection that I'm really just barely touching the tip of what others around me at my age are capable of doing. It ties into conversations, how people perceive you, how you present yourself, and so on. I'm constantly practically lying about what I'm doing in life in order to not present myself as a no-job loser that's living on government benefits, even though this actually is what I currently am. In spite of this being what I really am, it's against my will; I don't WANT to be this way. I feel like I'm in a vicious cycle where I'm told I have to get a job and make a living, I try my best to do this but inevitably fail due to my many mental health barriers, and because I'm failing, I loop back to being seen as a no-job loser living on government benefits. Whenever I feel like I'm being seen in this light, my self worth and self confidence plummets, my anxiety rises, and it all ties up with feeling like I don't even belong with my friends in a pub. I constantly feel as if I can't win, because if I lie, then I feel guilty for lying, but if I tell a stranger the truth that I'm not in work right now, you can immediately assume that they will make assumptions about me and my life. Sure, I can learn to not care about what strangers think, but to me personally, it's just very draining having to go through this entire charade in the first place, every time I go out in public. It's draining to constantly have to think three steps ahead, to have to prepare ahead of time what lie I may tell strangers if they talk to me, to remind myself to calm my breathing and not have a panic attack, to put on my "social mask" for a few hours and appear as if I fit in. It's all so very draining. I don't want to sound like I'm pitying myself. If I was genuinely pitying myself, the truth is that I just wouldn't leave my room; THAT is self-pity. The fact that I still go out in public to fight my anxiety, it shows that I'm trying to better myself, and that I'm trying my best to fit in. I can only fit in so much, though. 

I'm my own person, and I never want to stray away from that; however, the reality of being my own person is such that I just don't fit in with those around me. I've tried and I've tried, and I will keep trying, but it's a constant losing battle. I'm going down my own path in life, and that is something I'm proud of. I attend my weekly meetings, I'm constantly battling my anxiety by simply existing, and I still take care of myself on a daily basis by maintaining a much improved sleep schedule and leaving the house whenever I can. For some people, this is just part and parcel of living, but for me, it's my entire life, everything I put my energy towards, and I'm okay with that even if others look down on me because of it. I'm slowly trying to learn that despite what others think of me, and despite my inability to integrate into the society around me, as long as I'm happy with myself, that is the key fundamental to living my own life. If I'm truly happy from the inside, it will also be presented externally, in my self image and how I show myself to others. So, the only thing I can do from here is keep going. Despite the mental barriers, despite feeling like I am a failure, despite feeling like I can't keep up with my friends, despite feeling like I don't belong with society, despite feeling like the family failure, despite feeling like I'm not wanted or needed by anyone, the only thing I can do is keep going. I keep going for myself, to try and reach the happy future that I have envisioned for myself, and myself only. 

Thank you for reading, until next time. <3

Connor Lunnon 28/05/2022