Connor's Blog of Ramblings

Below is a copy and paste from what I sent to Samaritans. I just figured it was worth putting here too.   Hi, My name is Connor, I'm 22 years old, and I thought unloading/venting some thoughts here might help. I want to preface that I'm doing this completely freestyle so I don't really know where this is going to go and it might be a big mess, so I'm sorry in advance. I'm also sorry for the fact that I'm probably going to write a LOT here. There are no hard feelings if you don't want to continue after seeing the absolute wall of text below. The main reason why I'm emailing you guys is that I feel like I don't have anyone either in person or online to talk to about my problems. I live a very private, slow-paced life, so I dont have many friends or people I'm close to. I have great parents, but they've been separated for years now so I only see my dad on the weekends. My mum has constantly reiterated to me that if there are any problems in my l

 When I pictured myself eventually getting a job, I imagined it being freeing and exciting. I envisioned myself having much more freedom, more confidence and self-belief, and overall just feeling like I could finally live my life in the way I have always wanted to live it. I thought that by finally gaining some independence over my life and earning my own money, things would begin to look more positive, and I would be able to break out of this feeling of being shackled by the mental weights inside of my head. I constantly waited for the day I would get paid employment, thinking that that would be the first day of my life where I could finally live my life with pure freedom. The reality is that, after working in paid employment for 4 months now, it feels like nothing has really changed. I feel even more shackled and anxious now because I have more responsibilities and commitments. I have even more stuff to remember, so I'm constantly juggling numerous different thoughts in my head,

Unexpected Meeting Today, I woke up and attended my volunteering session at my local charity shop, like normal. The work was smooth and successful, and I had a positive day completing the tasks that I had been set out to do (using the tills, interacting with customers, etc.) After I had finished my session and left the shop, I decided to buy some fruit at a local shop that I enjoy going to because it's easy and convenient. As soon as I entered the shop and scanned my surroundings, as someone with anxiety always does to allow themselves to ground themselves easier, I realised the person standing in front of me was my old girlfriend who I hadn't seen in years. I want to preface the start of this paragraph by making it clear that I hate over-reacting and expressing something to be more dramatic than it really is. However, in this scenario, I really was very taken aback and left overwhelmed when I saw her standing in front of me buying something. Even writing this now, on reflecti

Return BERSERK IS BACK!!!!! I woke up this morning to some unbelievable, amazing news. To my complete shock, Berserk will be returning with new chapters on June 24th, and then continuing to release chapters until the story concludes. The man at the forefront is Kouji Mori, Miura's lifelong friend, alongside Studio Gaga, the studio that Miura created and worked on Berserk with throughout the years. I was initially shocked and dumbfounded when I read the tweet for the first time, because back when I read Berserk myself and finished the final chapter, I had accepted and made peace with the fact that there would never be a "true" ending. I told myself, 'you know what, in a way, this is the perfect outcome for a dark story like Berserk; the fact that there isn't an ending at all is a perfect ending in itself.'    Although, realistically, I knew a small part of me was bluffing by saying

Regret I felt the need to write a blogpost about my past girlfriend purely because my relationship with her became a fundamental chunk of what has made me into the person I am today. She was called Julia, and she was the first and only serious girlfriend I've had in my life; we met, became friends, and got together all in the same year. Our relationship lasted for roughly a year, and we ended up breaking up during Year 11. I was around fifteen to sixteen during this relationship, as was she. I am writing this blogpost because no matter how many years go by, I can never seen to fully forget about her, and she always seems to somehow come back to my mind even after so many years. In addition, I took some very valuable life lessons from my time with. These life lessons helped make become the person I am today. I will keep this short and sweet, but we had a nice relationship, and she did a lot for me. Even before we officially started a relationship, we clearly had a connection, and fr

Bystander Looking at an overview of my life, I really don't feel like I belong anywhere nowadays. In the back of my mind, this has always been a constant variable, reminding me that the feeling exists every now and then . However, throughout most of my life, I had enough of a distraction to allow myself to ignore this variable, as I had a consistent day-to-day schedule with school, and therefore had no time to really sit down and dwell over such thoughts. But now, as someone who suddenly has a lot of free time to acknowledge my own thoughts and feelings, it's really just clicked that I genuinely don't belong anywhere. It feels like I'm a bystander, watching everyone else live their lives, with no one looking my way. I'm merely watching from the sidelines, while everyone else manages to deal with the task of "living" so easily, whilst I, on the other hand, struggle with even the most basic day-to-day activities. With this being said, I have always believed

Anxiety I've dealt with anxiety most of my life. The earliest memory I can recall is having to remember my line in the Year 3 end-of-year play (age 7-8 equiv.), and I still remember my line to this day. I assume it's because, at the time, I was so nervous and anxious that I drilled the line so hard into my head, in order to remember it, that now I just can't forget it, even after so many years. Back then, I obviously didn't know/wouldn't have labelled it as "anxiety" as I was just a young kid, but the feeling I had back then is the same I've carried with me throughout my years, which is a feeling of genuine fear and entrapment that engulfs and overwhelms me, both mentally and physically, when I'm forced into scenarios in which I don't want to be a part of, or if I had a choice, I would simply choose not to be there (such as having to play a character in a school play against my will.) Like I said, back then it was just labelled as a general lac

Introduction So, this is my first blogpost. To be honest, I'm going to just go with the flow and write about whatever I want at times that are best for me. I'm not sure how I should best format this, or how long I will continue, or what I should even write about. However, for now, I'll just go with the flow, and hopefully have fun with it. :)  Berserk (contains spoilers) I've been wanting to write about Berserk for the longest time ever since I finished reading the manga in April, but I didn't have a platform to express my thoughts until now. Berserk is, without a doubt, the best thing I've ever read, and will likely continue to be for some time.  I initially introduced myself to the world of Berserk by watching the 1997 anime adaption, and didn't think too much of it at first. In turn, I actually really struggled to get into the first few chapters of the manga. It took me around four to five attempts to really get going, since the initial contents contain s